I have put together my list of Ray-Bans, or things that I will or won’t do now that Ray Allen has officially stuck it to us. Well, it was more about sticking it to Danny Ainge and getting the hell away from Rajon Rondo, but I digress. This article is about me in relation to this new world order that has Jesus Shuttlesworth clad in red and black. So, without further adieu, my list of Ray-Bans:
- I will not wear my Celtics #20 ever again. Sorry, Ray. I just can’t. I won’t go crazy and burn it out of respect for what you brought to the organization for 5 years, but it’s going in the closet and it ain’t coming out.
- I will not cheer for you – no way, no how. I won’t go as far as to boo you, or throw colorful language your way, but I will not cheer anything you do, ever again. I will treat you with indifference, because that is the way that you’ve treated your stay in Boston. Your attitude was a ‘so-what?’ attitude, the fans will get over it attitude, so I will respond in kind. Glad to have you around, won’t be keeping up with you now that you’re gone.
- I will mock every TV shot of your mother in that Heat #20. Seriously, what was she trying to prove anyway? It was a nice touch when you were in Boston, but it will look just plain creepy now that you’re in Miami. What kind of relationship do you two have, anyway? Do you go clubbing together? Does she tuck you in at night, read you bedtime stories, nurse your bumps and bruises? Dude, you’re pushing 40. Time to cut the cord.
- I will not tune in to your Hall of Fame induction. What are you going to say? Thanks, Danny? Thanks, Doc? Oh, and the best decision I ever made was signing with Miami to add to my championship ring collection?
- I will give you a new nickname – Ex-Lax – because you had the runs ever since your contract expired. You wanted to get away so bad you couldn’t stand it. Danny mistreated you, Rondo mistreated you, you didn’t get enough credit, you didn’t get the ball where you wanted it, you weren’t the star of the show, yada yada yada. Keep running, Ex-Lax, just don’t come over to my crib and try to use the john.
- I will enjoy the fact that the young studs in Miami are carrying you to those titles, assuming they get any more. It’s their show, Ray, not yours. You can come in and play the hero, but at the end of the day we all know you’re in coast mode. You took the easy way out. The Heat could win again without you, so what are your contributions really worth?
- I will root for Pierce, Garnett and Rondo with a new ferocity. They deserve the love that you were getting. Thanks for staying and fighting the good fight, guys.
- I will purchase a Jason Terry jersey, and I will celebrate his every success.
- If there is ever a Lakers-Heat Finals on your watch, I will (gulp) commit blasphemy and root for Kobe and the Lakers. Did I actually just write that?????
- I will enjoy watching our Celtics take down your Heat in the playoffs next season. That is going to be one sweet celebration.
There it is, Celtic Nation. Do you have a Ray-Ban? Hit me up and let me know what it is!