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Twenty-eight hours of reading has convinced me that Darko Milicik is to sports writers what President Dubya Bush was to late night comedians. I remain convinced that the cost/reward ratio is right for this signing, but . . . . Milicik is a seven-foot athlete in his prime who just gave up millions of dollars to play for the Boston Celtics—that’s gotta prove he isn’t in it just to cash the pay check (certainly not the biggest possible paycheck, anyway). As a journeyman backup he doesn’t look at all unappealing compared to a 34-year-old career second-stringer who reached his very low peak eight years ago and an excruciatingly raw rookie who four years ago thought a high scoring game was 5 goals to 3. Using the overall number two pick in the draft on a 17-year-old career backup is a horrible move; paying the vet min for an active 7-footer—not so bad. But this column is not about the athletic upside.

Dateline: September 22, 2012––8 days until the start of training camp!

Darco has inspired an entire industry of sports wailing. He ruined basketball  for Zach Harper of Hoopspeak. He drove a legion of anti-fans to build one of the most entertaining and prolific web sites in sportsdom, the now defunct Free Darco. He’s injured himself on jump balls (more than once) and in conditioning tests. He’s become an adjective as when he almost tipped in a desperation lob by the opponent, after which his teammates said it would have been “the most Darko thing ever.” Bloggers have forgone single posts and dredged up whole flurries of Dark(o) Tales (Lex Nihil Novi alone spewed out eight overnight). He has a time-played record that will never be broken—one tenth of a second.

His Blond Ambition Tour made Madonna seem like a cheap torpedo-bra salesman.
The Darco signing is the theme for this year’s Greater Boston Pun-Off.
Is it any wonder that when we are really, really depressed, we think Dark(o) thoughts?
Did you hear that Google has put a temporary ban on Darko searches because it was crashing their servers.
What’s the difference between Darko’s flip shot and “the bird?” None really.
Which came first, Darko’s lack of confidence or his bad play?
Darco and Ben Wallace shot free throws for a free meal; they both died of starvation.

Thank you, thank you very much. I’ll be here all week.